Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
