hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
