It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
