she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Floor bacon is actually really good
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I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I touched a dick in church today
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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