Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
