Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
