3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
