were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
