I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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