I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
