it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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