my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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