your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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