Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
