can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
