U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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