The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
