The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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