if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
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All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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