I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
