I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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