I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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