I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
