Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
