shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
