even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
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How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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