Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
