Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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