i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
