barbara walters just said penis...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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