I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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