I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
