Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
