i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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