last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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