we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
