Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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