Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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