She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
