Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
