i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
