my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
