Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
