she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
