Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
