My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
