I wish my penis had an off switch
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
