So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
