After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
