you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
