It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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