Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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