Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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