I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
