my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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